purpose of technology. Then, we'll review what to or not to do when or if you
have to call tech support. Then, we'll talk about Apple Inc and Android and what
you need to know.
easier by adding useful tools to help you with daily tasks.
There is an inherent problem with this, however: Most people are
under the incorrect assumption that simply picking up an electronic device and
turning it on is enough to be able to get it to do whatever they want. More
often than not, this results in frustration on the user's part, misuse of the
tech in question and - my personal favorite - mistaken view of what the piece
of hardware was intended for in the first place.
You wouldn't get into a car, sit in the seat and expect the car
to read your mind, buckle your safety belt for you and then drive you wherever
you wanted to go without you have to put forth any effort, interact with it in
any way or have any knowledge about its use. Why the Hell would you expect your
electronic devices - which are infinitely more complex - to do that? You
wouldn't. Not and claim you were sane. But believe it or not, that's exactly
what most customers do... even ones who think of themselves as tech savvy. Oh
Dear God help us.
So that we can clarify some of these points, we'll proceed onto
the next section.
Calling Tech Support: What to Do and What Not to Do
of you. More often than not, every call is recorded for legal purposes and quite
frequently live monitored for quality. Most systems in most call centers will
not allow agents to pull up any kind of detailed information unless they have a
client account opened first. Doing this also ensures that, should you need to
call back, the agents will be able to help you more completely and/or more
quickly. Since this information is rarely ever sold or given out and call
centers have extremely strict policies that prevent identity theft, it's okay to
2)... Remain Calm. Whatever issues you may be experiencing, try
to remember that the technician on the other end only works that kind of job
because they like helping people and earning money. They will usually do
whatever they can to get your issues resolved. So sit back, relax and let them
do their jobs.
3) ... Answer questions completely, concisely and clearly. This
should need no further explanation.
4)... Do what the agent tells you. Since every call is recorded,
even if they tell you something completely wrong, as long as that call can be
pulled for review (we'll cover how to make sure of this next), the company is
liable for it and will take corrective measures to fix it.
5)... Always get a Transaction ID or ticket number. This ensures
that the agent has documented the call (which means it can be pulled if needed)
and it also helps them to identify you and your various devices more quickly.
The faster they're able to get you into the system (or find you in it) the
faster they can help you.
6)... Be thankful and appreciative of free tech support over the
phone. These days, most of the major companies like Apple Inc and Microsoft
charge you by the minute. In point of fact, one of the first pieces of
information Apple asks for is your credit card number. Apple only offers 3 to 6
months of free tech support (same for Dell and HP) and after that require you
to pay for it... and then they act like they're doing you a favor. So when you
call a company like Samsung, AMD, Gigabyte (etc.) for support, be grateful and
appreciative that we're there to help you at no extra charge to you. And
remember that customers complaining endlessly about things that are their (the
customer's) own fault is why more and more companies are charging for tech
support: it's hard to keep good help when the stress of the job is so high
(because of customers) that the call center is visited by ambulances daily. No,
this isn't a joke.
7)... Be nice. Just like how you appreciate it when someone is
nice to you, we appreciate it when you're nice to us. We are people too, after
8) ...Be respectful. Show the agent you're speaking to some
respect. If you knew how to solve your problem, you wouldn't need to call tech
support in the first place. This means we know more about your product than you
do (99.9% of the time) and - more often than not - we're smarter than you too.
Even if you work with technology daily, the average call center agent for
computers solves hundreds (sometimes thousands) of problems a month. Literally.
We know our stuff. Show us some respect and we're certain to return the
9)... Read the User Manual before you call. More often than not,
the answers to your questions are contained in the user manual. If there was no
User Manual in the box the product came in, go the the manufacturer's website.
Most companies are going - or have gone - "green" and no longer print User
Manuals. It saves the company money and is better for the environment. It's also
better for you, because if you lose a digital copy of a User Manual, replacing
it is as simple as re-downloading it. No fuss, no muss.
always right and I'm the customer". This is blatantly and completely wrong. You
aren't right just because you want to be. More often than not,
customers are so badly mistaken or mislead that the only way to help them
is to listen to them rant for a ridiculous amount of time and then tell them
"No." regardless of what their problem is. Tech Support agents are bound by the policies of the parent companies that hire them. You stubbornly insisting you're going to get what you want because
"the customer is always right" will get you absolutely nothing. This is one of
those statements that even floor supervisors, managers and VP's will shut
completely down. Make this statement and many agents might decide to take
measures to prove you wrong. A bad day for all. Don't do
2)... Call tech support and - at any point - make the statement
"It's not fair". Life isn't fair. Some of us are highly intelligent and talented
well beyond the stations we've currently found ourselves in. But, because life
isn't fair, we're stuck right where we are; under-paid and under appreciated.
And call center agents tend to work in high-stress environments at jobs that are
revolving doors because of angry, ignorant and arrogant customers (this only
stresses us because we actually care about helping them. I suppose it's our
fault for caring?). It doesn't help that upper management doesn't care about our
well being and our jobs are always under the gun - call centers will fire agents
for just about any reason they can find, even if it isn't precisely legal. So
when you call tech support and say "It's not fair" the agent on the other end
will most likely shut down. Maybe they could've done something to help you when
you're just outside your warranty or maybe they could've provided
troubleshooting that would've cleared your issue in just a few minutes, but once
you make that statement, human nature kicks in and then the agent may only take
the most bare minimum steps possible in order to get you off the phone. And who can blame them? It's not fair for anyone to have to put up with such selfish garbage. You wouldn't; why should we? Further
arguments of the "unfairness" of this only serves to prove the point I'm making
here. Life isn't fair, but if you treat Tech Support with respect, dignity and a
bit of patience? We'll do everything we can to make it a little more fair... if we
3)... Rant. This, you cannot do. Surely you know the expression
"Time is money"? If you're like most folks, your time is very precious to you.
Now imagine you were on a strict timer for every task you were handed at your
job, no matter how complex. That's how it works in call centers. The more you
rant and rave, the more of that time you consume and the less we can do to help
you. Our time is important and precious too. Don't be so arrogant as to assume
your time is worth more than ours. Believe it or not, we don't have to help you;
we only have to make you think we did. And neither of us wants that.
4)... Yell, curse and/or scream. Not only does this not help, but
it's likely to get you hung up on or disconnected. Nobody is going to put up
with it. Nor should they have to. You wouldn't, would you? I thought
5)... Lie to us. The more intelligent among us (which is actually
the majority) can tell when you're lying. Remember when I said we were smarter
than you? It wasn't a statement of arrogance; it's actually very, very true.
We're smart enough to tell when you're lying. Or when you don't know what you're
talking about. Don't waste your time or ours. Be truthful. Honesty really is the
6)... Make the statement "Well company 'X' would do it" or " 'X'
product never has this issue". We're tech support. Which is really just a
shortened way of saying we're super-tech-nerds. We know you're full of shit. We play
with it all. It also means we own, have owned or will soon own, the best of the
best; the creme de la creme... from every company. Techies don't develop brand
loyalty; that's stupid. We know that only sheep follow a company blindly or
believes everything they read on the internet. It also means we've called other
tech support lines in our free time just to see how they do business (can't
blame us for being curious how the other guys do it). So you making statements
like this we know to be false is only going to make us angry. Can you remember
the last time you bent over backwards to help someone who was intent on making
you angry? Me neither.
7)... Insist we give you what you want - or that you should get
what you want - just because you want it. If we could get what we wanted just
because we wanted it, I would own a beach house in Huntington Beach California,
be married to Kim Kardashian and have 10 little mini-me's by Ms. Kardashian
running and playing on the beach while I sip 200yr old single-malt scotch and
molest my gorgeous wife's bountiful bosom while she happily provides me with an endless string of orgasms and swears to everyone she meets I'm perfect and we'd both incapable of making each other unhappy.
I certainly wouldn't be taking calls from you because you don't know how to use Google and/or don't have the patience to read the User Manual.
While we can't give you everything you want, if you're following the
"Do's" listed in this article while avoiding the "Don'ts", then most agents will
happily jump through every hoop they can to help you (sometimes bending the
rules or putting our jobs at risk to do so; God knows I've done it plenty for
compliant, polite customers). I've said it in this article before and I'll say
it again: Call Center Agents are bound by the policies their parent company sets
forth. If we tell you that we don't support a function or provide a service
you're requesting, it's because we're not allowed to or - worse yet - don't have
any method of giving it to you even if we wanted to or you paid for it. So take
a deep breath, remain calm, and we'll do everything we can to help you.
Otherwise, you're just Shit Out of Luck.
Now to cover some common fallacies and tell some much needed
truth (more than I have already, which is considerable):
lies and behavior of the modern age. Intel runs a close second, with Nvidia
pulling up in third; but Apple is, by far, the worst. Let's cover their lies,
1) OSX is "Secure". Define the term "Secure". If you can't, let
me help you: "Secure" means that it resists intrusions, viruses and other
malware. Contrary to popular belief, OSX isn't secure. In point of fact, as I've
proven to folks who own Mac's calling into Samsung for help with their other
non-Apple devices (usually printers or Galaxy tablets) when I remote into a
Windows PC, I have to jump through nearly a dozen hoops just to make it happen.
If for any reason, the connection is lost, Windows shuts me out and won't let me
back in without jumping through said hoops all over again. With Mac (prior to
10.8)? They type in the connection code, run the app and BOOM! I'm in. No
requesting Keyboard and Mouse control; no telling Mac to allow the software to
run; no telling Mac to allow it to install, I own your Mac and can now make it
do whatever I want. Even if you have 10.8 or above, I only have to have you do 2
things to make this happen and there's still no control requests; unlike
Windows. This is something I've actually known about for a while. Normally, I
wouldn't just offer anecdotal evidence of Mac's lack of security, but I think
posting the batch file you can run in Windows or Linux that allows you to
instantly hack the HDD of any non-10.8 version of OSX on a network would be
detrimental and illegal. Since Apple has been known to sue anyone or any company
over the most bullshit reasons imaginable, I can only assume that my publicly
releasing a tool that circumvents their entire efforts at "Security" would get
me in some serious trouble. Especially since it's only about 500 lines of code.
By contrast, it takes 1,500 lines of code just to probe a Windows firewalled
machine; more than 50,000 to get in. The only reason Windows machines are
"hacked" more often is because there are more of them; thereby making it more
beneficial to the intruder to do the extra work.
2) Apple is an innovator. Oh, Holy God in Heaven is this a lie!
But why mince words? Here are some links proving that statement
Here Steve Jobs admits to being a shameless thief; no, we didn't
misinterpret, Steve Jobs is a thief:
Here he also admits (without realizing it) that he stole the GUI
from Xerox (later, he claimed that Microsoft stole it from him):
The very first tablet PC wasn't the "iPad" it was actually a
Microsoft Surface released with Windows XP Tablet Edition; released 10 years
before the "iPad":
The first actual "Smartphone" with an easy to use touchscreen
interface and easily distinguishable icons wasn't, contrary to popular
misconception, the "iPhone". It was the Ericsson R380 Smartphone, released some
9 years before the announcement of the "iPhone":
3) Macs don't get viruses:
There are literally thousands of other reference materials I could post for everything
ranging from the hardware in Apple devices (hilariously, most of which is
manufactured by their chief rival: Samsung - including the ARM designed CPU's which Apple claims to have designed; another atrocious lie) to the blatant lies of their
commercials. But this article has already grown to TL;DR proportions and there's
still a bit more to cover. If you get curious, learn to use Google or email me for
most secure OS: Linux. In point of fact, Android is really just the most recent
Linux kernal with a really groovy UI (user interface). Because of the Android
development team, the Linux kernal has grown by leaps and bounds in just a few
short years and now threatens to over-take the current market in sheer numbers
if not actual usefulness. For now, Windows is still, by far and large, the most
powerful OS - while remaining user-friendly enough to be attractive to the
masses - but the day is coming very soon when the superiority of Linux will be
undeniable. For now, only uber-geeks run Linux because of its "if you can dream
it, you can do it; but you're on your own" environment (the dangers of Open
Source, I'm afraid).
Unlike other mobile platforms, Android isn't just secure; it's
capable, light-weight, powerful, easy to use and nigh-on-impossible to break.
Oh, and did I mention fun and free? Yeah, that's right; free. Meaning that if
you don't like the version of Android your device is on and wish you could
modify it to meet your personal needs, there is a huge, friendly and informed
community that can help you do just that. Best part is: It only puts your device
out of its Software warranty... not the hardware warranty (Samsung devices)
unless you OC the processor or GPU - but hey, that's a given when it comes to
hardware; you OC (Over Clock), then you're OoW (Out of Warranty). Yeah, that's
right Android fans; rejoice! Customization belongs to you and is your
Another fun thing about Android: It has options. Tons of them.
And the newer versions (3.1 and up) also have the MTP - or Media Transfer
Protocol - developed by Microsoft. This allows them to use Windows Media Player
to quickly and easily transfer your media back a forth, without the need for
additional software. That's right, why should you be tied down to iTunes or the
Apple App Store? Android allows you the ability to have what you want and when
you want it - even installing non-market apps! imagine that... unless you own a
Macintosh. In which case you can thank Apple Inc. for bending you over a
barrel... Apple computers and Macintoshes do not support Android devices; so
you're going to need that 3rd party software for your crapintosh if you want
your Android to work with it. Oh, and if you have 10.8? You can thank Apple
again, because most 3rd party software that allows older versions of OSX to
recognize Android devices? Yeah, Apple fixed that; they blocked the protocols
necessary with their new firewall features. Guess that will teach people who
buy good hardware with free, Open Source OS's for lower prices a valuable
lesson about proprietary hardware and software. Thanks Apple; You're Awesome...
in the same way an alien anal probe would be awesome. Or a root
In short: Android is your friend. And if it's not at the moment,
it really does want to be. You should make friends with the little guy; he's
actually quite helpful.
Apple is Evil. And that evil is starting to rub off on everyone else; even Microsoft. Need proof? Check out the differences between Windows 8 and Windows 7. You Bastards.
Linux is awesome, but a Royal P.I.T.A. to use.
Android is Linux for everyone. And Android is your friend.
Kim Kardashian has a great rack and is Super-Hot. Obviously, I want to father her children. Who else is worthy? No One. That's who.